missing you

I'm tired of saying I miss you.

I'm tired of having to look at a picture just to see your face in the morning.

Tired of counting time in the spaces between us.

One day turns into a week.

That week turns into a month.

Still, I don't see you.

I'm relying on pictures to stay updated on how you look, like I'm following the life of a stranger instead of loving the person I call mine.

Somewhere along the way, I stopped knowing how your hand felt in mine.

Stopped knowing what made you laugh.

Stopped knowing the little things that used to come so easy.

It's a strange thing, watching someone become a memory while they're still alive.

Because we didn't end all at once.

We disappeared in pieces.

A missed weekend.

A canceled plan.

A few unanswered calls.

A rain check that never got rescheduled.

A conversation cut short because you were tired.

Small things.

Things that didn't seem important when they happened.

But distance is rarely built in one moment.

It grows quietly.

One absence at a time.

One day turns into a week.

That week turns into a month.

And before I knew it, I couldn't remember the last time I saw you.

Couldn't remember the last memory that wasn't already old.

That's when it hit me.

You don't always lose people when they leave.

Sometimes you lose them while they're still standing right there.

And I had spent so much time missing you that I barely noticed you were already gone.

Then one day I realized...

I had spent more time missing you

than actually being with you.

It's be like that

I'm outside looking in at the life we were supposed to be.

The family trips. The house with the squeaky stairs. The baby with your smile and my stubbornness.

You got all those things with a person who's not me.

And that's the heartbreak.

Not losing what we had

but watching someone else hold what I thought was waiting for me.

I see the pictures.

Matching pajamas on Christmas. Vacation photos by the ocean. A little hand wrapped around your finger.

Moments I rehearsed in my head like lines from a play I was certain I'd been cast in.

Instead, I'm sitting in the audience.

In the back.

Watching another man live a role I spent years preparing for.

Building a home from dreams that once carried my fingerprints.

And some days, I wonder if you ever remember.

If you ever glance across the dinner table and think about the blueprint we sketched on napkins and late-night phone calls.

Or if that version of us is buried so deep that I'm the only one who still knows where the grave is.

But life keeps teaching me that beautiful dreams aren't proof of ownership.

Some houses are built from your plans and still become someone else's address.

Some prayers leave your mouth with your name attached and come back answered for somebody else.

And maybe that's the hardest lesson.

I wasn't wrong about the dream.

I was wrong about who it belonged to.

So now I stand outside the window, looking in.

Not because I still want to come home.

But because every now and then I catch a glimpse of the life I imagined

and have to remind myself

that seeing something clearly

doesn't mean it was ever mine.

maybe

You grew in the middle of my garden

where nothing romantic was supposed to survive.

Just friendship.

Just two people

watering the same patch of ground

without asking what the roots were becoming.

Then one spring,

something strange appeared.

A single fruit

hanging from a branch

I swear wasn't there before.

Gold as temptation.

Heavy as consequence.

I named it Maybe.

And ever since,

the whole garden has felt different.

The birds sing rumors.

The wind keeps pushing me toward it.

Even the sunlight lingers

like it's waiting to see what I'll do.

You stand beneath the tree unaware,

talking about your day,

while I'm fighting the oldest battle known to man

whether desire is worth the exile.

Because I know what happens in stories.

One bite

and paradise becomes memory.

One confession

and suddenly every laugh has a history,

every silence has a meaning,

every friendship has a before and after.

So I keep my hands in my pockets.

Pretend I don't notice

how the fruit gets riper each time you smile.

Pretend I don't hear it calling my name

when the conversations stretch past midnight.

Pretend the branch isn't bending lower

with the weight of everything unsaid.

But temptation is patient.

It doesn't knock.

It grows.

And some nights

I swear the garden disappears altogether.

There's only the tree.

Only the fruit.

Only me standing beneath it,

starving.

Wondering if hunger

is easier to survive than loss.

doin just fine

Today was different than it was yesterday.

I saw your picture today and my heart didn’t sink.

No long pause.

No heavy chest.

No feeling like my whole world slipped

to the edge of the sink.

I just looked…

and kept it moving.

For the longest,

your face could ruin my whole day.

One memory of us

and I’d start drowning in old conversations,

replaying apologies

like they could change the ending.

But today?

you just looked like somebody I used to know 

A person I used to love deeply.

Im not saying I don’t care any more

But the motivation to see you smile  don't drive me anymore.

That feeling of calling you just to hear your voice no longer set inside me.

The desires to hug you tightly just so I can capture your smell and smell you throughout my day

I finally reached that quiet place

where your name don’t shake me.

Where I can miss what we had

without wishing it back.

And for the first time in a long time…

I’m doin just fine.

Depth

Your body speak fluent— curves saying everything before you even open your mouth.

Im not blind, I cansee it… the way attention follow you like it owe you something.

But I’m wondering, when the room go quiet, when the eyes stop clinging, when the compliments dry up…

who are you?

’Cause beauty loud, it introduce itself quick but substance? that take time to hear.

Can you hold a conversation without your looks finishing your sentences?

Can you touch my mind the same way your body trying to touch my focus?

I’m not knocking what you got

 I’m questioning what stay when all that fades out the frame.

Could Have Left Me Alone

You saw the gates were rusted shut,

the hinges stiff with years of pride,

but still you spoke in careful tones

until I let you step inside.

I didn’t just hand you the keys.

I cleared the rooms and swept the floors.

I made a home out of my chest

and opened all the heavy doors.

I gave you more than steady hands.

I gave you safety, gold, and bone.

A dangerous thing happened then

I started planning with you home.

I let your name affect my days,

my spending habits, peace of mind.

Built whole tomorrows from your words

like you had promised you were mine.

To wake a heart that learned to sleep

just to watch it starve for breath,

to take the harvest of my years

and leave a field resembling death

that kind of damage lingers long.

It settles deep inside the soul.

Because before you, loneliness

was painful… but at least controlled.

If love was not your true intent,

or if you knew you couldn’t stay,

you should have seen the “Closed” sign there

and simply turned the other way.

You should have left me untouched then.

Left all my walls and locks alone.

Don’t make a man believe again

if you can’t love him all the way home.

brick by brick

I built this life brick by brick, scar by scar, lesson by lesson.

I will not stand here arguing my worth with someone surrounded by proof.

My character speaks louder than any defense I could ever make. My actions have already said enough.

If you cannot recognize the value of my presence, then perhaps you will learn it through the weight of my absence.

not me

I miss the version of me

that used to feel things fully.

Back when laughter came easy,

when music sounded alive,

when my dreams had color

instead of instructions,

when even my words

carried passion whenever I spoke.

Now everything feels routine—

wake up, work, survive the day,

pretend I’m still connected

to the things I once loved.

The passion left quietly.

No goodbye speech.

No slammed doors.

Just a slow disappearance

I didn’t notice

until everything started turning gray.

I stare at old hobbies

like strangers I used to know.

Pick them up for a moment,

then put them right back down

because my heart no longer reaches for them

the way it used to.

And happiness—

that’s become something distant.

Like hearing people laugh

from another room

while I stand outside the door

trying to remember

what was so funny.

I keep telling myself

maybe I’m just tired.

Maybe this feeling will pass.

Maybe one morning

I’ll wake up

and life will feel alive again.

But right now,

I’m just existing

in the space

between who I was

and whoever I’m becoming

lately

Depression been whooping me lately

but the only time y’all tune in

is when I turn it into a joke.

Somewhere along the way…

the things I loved

stopped loving me back.

The people that used to recharge me

started draining me.

Music don’t hit the same

just noise

filling up quiet.

Laughs feel delayed,

like my body clapping

for something my heart ain’t in.

Stuff that used to light me up

now feel like chores

I keep forgetting to care about.

I sit in rooms I used to enjoy

and feel like a stranger

in my own happiness.

Passion ain’t leave all at once

it faded…

like a slow dimming light

I ain’t notice going out.

So I keep laughing for you…

while I’m losing fights

you’ll never even know I’m in.

Guess my pain only matters

when it’s entertaining.

Begging Tems F.M.T

You talk like distance is the safer route,

but I find my calm in the way you doubt.

Even when you break, I don’t break from you,

I just learn the shape of the things we go through.

You don’t gotta be everything I dreamed,

just don’t disappear when it gets too deep.

I’ve seen your scars and I still reach in,

‘cause losing you feels like I don’t win.

And maybe you’re right, maybe you’re unsure,

but I’d rather have unsure than have nothing for sure.

So if you’re leaving, tell me how to stay,

‘cause I’m not built to watch you fade away.

cried

I cried today—

first time in a long time.

Held it in so long

it stopped feeling like mine.

Tears didn’t just fall… they escaped,

like they’d been doing time,

breaking out my eyes

just to prove I’m still alive.

I saw a video of my love—

and that was the breaking point.

No warning.

No build-up.

Just… impact.

One glance turned memories loud,

every feeling hit joint to joint.

My heart dropped in my stomach,

feelings came rushing in waves,

like everything I buried alive

came back crawling out the grave.

And I swear—

I could feel the past breathing again.

That smile…

still got my heart in a chokehold too,

like it never lost the key,

and suddenly all the strength I built

collapsed quietly.

I tried to look away—

but my mind don’t listen.

It replayed you

like a song I never finished,

skipping to the parts

that hurt the most.

I thought I healed…

or maybe I just learned

how to carry it better.

Because healing ain’t always letting go—

sometimes it’s learning how to live with the pain…

and still whisper your name

knowing I’ll never be the same.

alignment

You say you want me,

but your actions don’t align

like your heart signed a contract

your soul never read.

Your “I love you” used to warm me,

now it land cold

like words fresh out your mouth

but frozen before they touch me.

I can give you everything

the needs, the wants, the in-betweens,

be the steady hand,

the place you run when life gets heavy

be your stability in a shaky world.

But if I’m not what you choose

when it’s time to show it,

if I’m not the one you stand on

when it’s pressure applied…

then what am I really holding on to?

’Cause love ain’t just what you say

it’s how you show up

when it costs you something.

And right now?

you loving me in theory…

but not in practice.

So I started noticing the distance

wasn’t just moments anymore

it was becoming us.

We stopped being us a while ago

we just never said it out loud.

This love… your love… our love

Hopeless.

still alive

I’m grieving you in real time—

no obituary,

just a quiet understanding

that what we had doesn’t breathe anymore.

Because how do you walk around this world

like we didn’t leave pieces in each other?

Like my DNA never settled in your bloodstream,

never rooted itself beneath your skin,

and my name doesn’t still live

in the back of your mind at night?

See—

this isn’t the kind of grief

people bring food for.

There are no “stay strong” texts,

no black suits, no sermons—

just me…

and the echo of us.

And it hits different—

because I could still dial your number,

still hear your voice,

still fall back into something familiar…

but I don’t.

That’s discipline.

That’s pain with self-respect.

I had to bury the version of you

that loved me right—

even though you’re still out here

breathing.

R.I.P. to what we used to be—

and somehow, happy birthday to what we became.

love me loud

I don’t want a quiet love

that halfway, shrug-shoulder,

“you know how I feel” kind of love.

Love me out loud.

Love me like your heart got no reason to hide.

Give me that

“say my name, say my name

when everybody around you” kind of love.

Let it show in your walk,

every lil step you take

the way your posture straighten

when I enter the room,

the way your soul look occupied

even when I’m not beside you.

I want the kind of love

that slips into conversation naturally.

Not my name

but the way your eyes soften

when somebody asks why you smiling.

The way your voice get warmer

talking about “someone”

who make life feel lighter.

I want your friends to know it

without introductions.

Want strangers to feel it

in the distance between your sentences.

Want your love to sound certain

not whispered like a secret

you afraid to claim.

Don’t love me nonchalantly.

Don’t hand me affection

with your palms facing down.

If I’m yours

stand in it.

Let your actions pronounce me

without ever spelling my name.

Let your loyalty be so obvious

even silence says I’m loved.

I’m not asking for obsession.

I’m over being a toxic fetish.

I don’t want to be loved in secret

and denied in daylight.

I just want to be claimed.

after for me tho

I tried love too many times

stopped keeping score

somewhere between giving and losing

I became something I don’t recognize anymore

after you

there’s nothing left I can lend

not even the version of me

that used to try to pretend

you let someone come between us

like it ain’t split something within

had me looking from outside in

at a life I should’ve been in

I know that space

I built that place

every wall still echo my voice

now I’m watching from a distance

like I ain’t have a choice

I had what I wanted

within reach… within skin

but what I wanted didn’t want me

so I let that reality sink in

no scenes

no begging

no need to defend

I wasn’t losing you to them

you was already gone

I just ain’t see it back then

unexpected

I wasn't looking for you when you found me. I had learned to live with my scars and accepted that some broken pieces might never fully fit again. Then you came along, unexpected and beautiful, and somehow, you made healing feel possible.

My journey to you was not easy. There were rough roads, lonely nights, and lessons that left their mark. But every step led me closer to the kind of love I had always hoped for. A love patient enough to understand me and strong enough to stay.

You have a way of making me feel whole when im with you. Your love brings peace to me. I'm honest, loving you has also awakened insecurities I thought I'd buried. Memories and experiences that i thought i was over. Sometimes, I worry about losing what means so much to me. (You) Sometimes, I question if I'm enough.

Know, I am trying. Trying to silence old fears, trying to trust fully, trying to be the man your love deserves. Some days are easier than others, but every day, I choose you.

Thank you for being patient with me, for loving me through my healing, and for seeing the best in me, even when I struggle to see it myself. 

We turned broken pieces into something beautiful, and for that, I will always be grateful.

You my unexpected love. Thats why it hit so hard...

Last Try

I’m about to risk it all

not in a loud way,

not with promises I can’t keep,

but in that quiet, dangerous way

where you give someone

the last soft part of you

you swore you’d protect.

This my final try.

Not because I don’t believe in love

but because I’m running out of versions of me

that still do.

I done bent before,

compromised pieces of myself

just to make something last longer

than it was meant to.

I stayed past expiration dates,

called it loyalty,

called it patience

whole time it was me

refusing to accept

I wasn’t being chosen.

But this time…

this time I’m standing still.

No chasing.

No over-explaining.

No trying to prove

I’m worth what I already know I am.

You either see me

or you don’t.

And if you don’t…

If this falls apart

like everything else I tried to hold together

I won’t break.

I won’t beg.

I won’t go looking for closure

in places that never gave me peace.

I’ll just go back

to what I know best.

Where feelings don’t stay long.

Where nights are temporary.

Where nobody asks questions

they don’t want the truth to.

Where I don’t invest in love

I just cover the cost of distance.

Pay for silence.

Pay for space.

Pay for people to leave

before they get the chance to stay

and figure me out enough

to hurt me right.

No attachments

just transactions.

No history

just moments that disappear

when the night does.

Back to survival.

Where love don’t cost a thing

Cause no one’s offering it.

And maybe that’s colder…

but at least it don’t lie.

stranger

I’m supposed to be your only, but you make me feel like a side dude— standing outside the window watching a relationship I’m somehow not a part of.

Crazy how I can hold your hand and still feel single. How strangers get conversations, attention, softness… that I gotta beg for in private.

Loving you started feeling like waiting for my turn in a place I helped build. Like I gotta compete for attention that was supposed to come natural.

And that kind of pain? Quiet. Embarrassing.

’Cause how you make somebody feel lonely while laying right beside them? How you look me in my eyes and still make me question if I’m loved or just available.

realizing can't breathe

Loving you came so naturally, it was like the oxygen I breathed,

Never had to question it, it just lived inside of me.

We were steady, we were solid, we were everything we needed,

Now we’re talking less and less, silence growing in between.

Conversations getting shorter, feelings harder to read,

I used to feel you in my arms, now those feelings are just memories.

I’m holding on to moments when we used to be…

Now every breath I used to breathe feels like your oxygen isn’t meant for me.

90s love

I could never be a hoe,

the streets won’t love me like my home.

I like to cuddle, to be held

sometimes I just wanna be the little spoon.

I can’t have my heart passed around

with nobody planning to keep it.

I move different

not better… just cautious.

I know what that temporary love do,

I seen it destroy the strongest.

I been that strong one…

now I just want my forever.

I want that 90s Black love,

the kind I grew up watching

two people choosing each other

after the long day is over.

Make it feel like a Monday night, 8PM,

Fresh Prince on in the background.

I saw Philip and Vivian Banks

strength partnering up with grace,

a man who protects and provides,

and a woman who reminds him

why he does it in the first place.

Or like the Winslows,

proving every day

family is the only thing that really matters.

Be my friend…

then fall in love unexpectedly.

Show me it’s a different world out here,

like Whitley and Dwayne.

I don’t want perfect

just something consistent.

The kind of love that argues in the kitchen

but laughs at the table.

Whether it’s about who make more money

or

whose mama biscuits better.

Be my Gina, I’ll be Martin.

I’m ready for them Living Single days to be over.

Two stubborn hearts,

arguing like rivals,

but understanding each other

better than anyone ever could

that Kyle and Maxine type love.

I want it real…

like it’s live in front of an audience—

no pre-recorded moments.

The story might change…

but the love stay the same.

crave you

I crave you

in ways words could never do justice.

Like my skin was made

to recognize your touch,

like my lungs only learned breathing

through the air you left behind.

Long before I knew your name

my heart already understood

the rhythm of yours,

allowing our beats to fall in sync

whenever we were together.

I crave you

like a bad habit I swore I’d quit

the kind that ruins sleep,

clouds judgment,

and still feels good enough

to run back to.

Every thought of you lingers

slow, heavy, dangerous.

You don’t just cross my mind…

you stay there,

stretched across my silence

like temptation wearing your face.

I don’t just want your body.

I want the version of you

nobody else gets close enough to touch.

The guarded side.

The tired side.

The softness hidden behind your pride.

The side of you

that only showed up

when the world went quiet

and it was just us

trying not to fall apart.

You made chaos feel familiar.

Made heartbreak feel gentle

like loving hands

wrapped around something already broken.

Like self-destruction

dressed up as comfort.

And somehow I still crave it

still crave you.

I hope...

Allow me to set the tone. 

Inspired by chance the rapper baby blues verse. 

Originally the voice i was going for was a petty funny but some world say it came off as bitter. So to each its own (I think that's the saying).

If we break up, I want your life to suck,

I hope you end up in a shootout and you barely duck.

I hope your car break down soon as you pull out the house,

and every wire in your walls get chewed by a mouse.

I hope your charger only work if you bend it just right,

and your Wi-Fi lag every single night.

I hope all your fries are cold when you come out the drive thru 

I hope all the "be on the look out," all look like you

I hope your alarm don’t ring when you got somewhere to be,

but go off on the times when you try to sleep 

I hope your phone die every time you need GPS,

I hope every time you need to say no they come out as yes

I hope your favorite song skip right at your favorite part,

and every new love interest play games with your heart.

I hope your headphones only play out one side,

and your ride always late  and have you waiting when its hot outside.

I hope it rain every time you forget your coat,

and your job act funny every time you need a note.

I hope your dreams feel real but never come true,

I ain’t wishing death… just minor inconvenience for  you.

Dear Whomever

Dear Whomever,

I don’t even know what to call you any more

so “whomever” feels right.

Somewhere between “my love” and “my lesson,”

you lost your name in my life.

I used to say it like it meant something

like it belonged to me,

like every syllable had a heartbeat

that echoed back to “we.”

Now it just sit on my tongue

like a question I don’t ask out loud.

’Cause answers got a way of hurting

when the silence already too loud.

I gave you pieces I was still learning how to keep,

trusted you with parts of me

I barely let myself see.

And maybe that was my fault—

building a home in somebody

who was still figuring out how to leave.

You ever miss me?

Or do I just visit you

when the world get quiet

and your distractions go to sleep?

’Cause me

I still trip over memories

like they left their shoes by my door.

Still catch myself reaching for you

like my heart ain’t learned the score.

I ain’t writing this for closure—

I don’t even think that’s real.

Some wounds don’t close,

they just learn how to feel… quieter.

But I had to say something—

even if it’s into a space

you might never return to.

So yeah…

Dear Whomever,

I hope you find what you were looking for—

even if it wasn’t me.

—Me

happy thoughts

Happy thoughts through tough times is a must.

Not because life is always gentle,

but because some days, your mindset is the only thing standing between you and giving up.

The world will test your patience.

People will test your heart.

Circumstances will test your faith.

But choosing joy, even in small doses, is an act of defiance.

A laugh in the middle of chaos.

A deep breath when everything feels heavy.

A reminder that this moment is temporary.

Happy thoughts won't erase hard times,

but they can help you survive them.

today was a good day

I woke up feeling great today woke up before the alarm, body pain-free. Felt like the universe was finally about to shine on me, like today had a different kind of quiet to it.

I smiled for no reason. My chest felt light. No pressure on my ribs, no storm in my thoughts, just peace… the kind I forgot existed.

Today was perfect. Too perfect.

And then it hit me—

you never called.

No missed arguments. No heavy tone disguised as “attitude.” No emotional weight hanging off my shoulders like wet clothes I kept trying to dry.

For the first time in a long time, my energy belonged to me.

That’s when I realized maybe my bad days weren’t bad luck at all. Maybe loving you been draining the life out of me so slowly I confused exhaustion for commitment.

And damn… that hurt worse than heartbreak.

Because I was really out here thanking fate for a good day, not realizing the peace came from your absence.

Funny how I still missed you during the best day of my life.

vows

I didn't meet you the usual way

just a message on IG…

but somehow, it felt like more from the start.

We began with distance,

late nights and “I miss you,”

turning something small into something real.

And somewhere along the way…

you changed me.

You made me want to be better,

want more, do more

even step into a role I never saw coming.

Loving you made me ready

to love your children too

not as an obligation,

but as a blessing.

So today, I choose you

your love, your life, your family.

I vow to stand by you,

to be present, to be solid,

and to love you both

with everything I have.

From a message on a screen

to a life we’re building

I’m all in.

Guess whos back

 As a person that have recently decided to gave up social media i totally forgot I had this.

Allow me to reintroduce myself....

Im Anthony. "Ant" to the "ho" "ny"

Part time writer, lover by force the heart beaker wear by life.

Life been life in.

A lot to update

I found love. Lost it... found it again lost it again lol.

It been a good 15 years since my last blogging. I just forgot I had it. 

Im shall be more consistent on uploading. I got a lot to say and no one to speak to so I shall type it out. 

Stories of my life over the years  turned into words. 

Dear Heartbreak

Dear heartbreak, so we meet again.

I used to think I was afraid of commitment,

but when it comes to you… we go strong.

Some might even say we locked in.

And I hate that, heartbreak.

I hate how you keep finding your way back to me

like you got a master key to every lock I own.

I hate how you sit in my chest,

just waiting for your moment

to drop to my stomach.

I tried to outgrow you, heartbreak.

I tried to heal past you—

I even tried to find a replacement for you.

I found love…

at least I thought I did.

And love was good to me.

She was sweet to me,

treated me better than you ever did.

For once… I was happy.

I even bought her a ring, heartbreak…

…you would’ve been proud.

But you saw every moment, didn’t you?

Because love…

turned out to be you in disguise.

You just changed your name on me,

softened your touch,

made me feel safe enough

to forget what you felt like.

You learned patience this time,

learned how to smile in my face

before breaking me slower.

And I fell for it…

every single time.

Guess I never really left you, heartbreak—

I just met you in a different form.

accepting

Written from emotions when I was going through a breakup. Accepting what we had isn't us anymore. 

I had something good happen to me at work today.

I got promoted.

They told me it came with a pay raise—

I’m talking a difference in hundreds, not tens.

I picked up the phone, ready to tell you the news,

but then it hit me… you not my person anymore.

You not the one I see in the morning,

or the last face look for at night.

And if I don’t see you,

I call you, if i dont call you, i text you.

That part of me no longer exist any more.

I can’t even start my day

unless it started with you…

and that’s the part that hurt the most.

You were my Forgers in my cup, now everything just feel off.

Now I’m moving forward

but missing what I used to move for.